and, im gonna be honest, im not really enthused about doing this. because...well, each hour, draws me closer to the anniversary of my mothers death. this year will be...10 years.
i try very hard to not allow myself to think about it, to dwell upon it. but its like a white elephant in my personal emotional room. i cant sit there and NOT know it exists.
my mother wasnt the easiest person to get along with.
she was quite difficult.
im not sure why, but i felt she never really liked me...my best guess is i was the offspring of the man she loved and left her, and i was the constant reminder of the hurt he left her with.
i wont go into details, but my life was quite a challenge with her as my mother.
it wasnt typical, but then whos childhood ever really is?
if you can honestly say you had one...then be thankful! because you dont have the demons and memories the rest of us have to endure and walk through for the rest of our lives.
now, knowing that life was so very difficult, and knowing how i felt during it, makes ppl wonder WHY i say i loved this woman so much.
she was the ONLY parent i had.
as bad as it was, she was ALL i knew.
sure it was bad, but i was terrified as a child to be left alone and have even less.
so, think of it like the abused wife syndrom (if you must) and wonder why i never left, if i had the opportunity..because that world was the only one i knew how to survive in.
i love my mother. im not gonna lie. i really do love her.
do i LIKE her? NO!
she was never the motherly type. she didnt cuddle, and hug me if things were bad in MY life..
she was a psychologist, and did games on me mentaly..and thought i should know how to handle everything, becaus ei had the power within me to make all of everything better for myself, all i had to do was choose to do it.
easy to say, difficult to do when no one shows you HOW to get to that place.t, even tho i was thrust into that place way before i should have been .
when i was a child, i thought like a child, reacted like a child, i didnt see anything adult.
for as lacking as she was as a parent type, she was an excellent mind/behavioral instructor.
i learnd TONS from her. and i didnt ask too, it kind of just "happened" as a result of her manipulations, and phychological mind games shed play on me.
i now have the unique ability to be able to read ppl, and understand why they do most of what they do, i can tell a lier from a truh teller just by sonme simple actions they do...
she also taught me how to be a strong person.
thats been a blessing.
she never made me cookies, and had them and a glass of milk waiting for me after school...no, no, my lessons were of a more mental nature and would suit me greater as i would eventually have to forge my way through life without her, in the future.
my greatest fear came to a crashing reality on april 9th 2002.
after 5 weeks in the hospital, and refusing to keep taking blood transfusions, she slipped away, in her sleep.
and my world was changed forever.
its been so very hard to be without her.
altho, the pain has never left, it has become something im familiar with.
and this week, is the anniversay week of everything i can remember on that last week with her.
so, my desire to work this tibby kit, has been a long and hard walk. my motivation is just not there.
but im committed, as hard as the emotional place is to revisit...i am continuing on my quest to attempt to have this kit finished and ready on may 1st, my moms birthday. shed be 77 this one.
this kit is vastly different than the 1st one (this is my 2nd). on so many levels.
this is a toddler, Daniel was an infant.
This is a challenge emotionally, Daniel was a joy to produce.
i had everything for daniels kit in one lump, this kits being done in stages.
so the things ive done to TIBBY thus far have been few..
veined, and baked.
thats about all...
but ill continue,
no matter how difficult this is emotionally, i want her done by may 1...so ill have to just work through it. weather i like to or not. allot like grief, you have to walk through it to get over it.